There lies ahead a long arduous journey in understanding ourselves.
When we reflect on our own lives, we run the gamut from having nothing to say to the realization that we don't know how to say what do know about our own lives. Whether there is too little or too much in the stories we want to tell, some of us are burdened with impoverished imaginations, an impoverishment that makes for a poor story if not for a poor life. Impoverished or not as our imaginations may be, we carry around with us images that empower and images that enslave us. These images appear in our stories and are integral to the way we live our lives.
Introspective writers don't merely think, or even think and write; they think and write, in conversation with themselves, learning from what they write, experience, and dream, and then write what they have learned. C.G. Jung's analyses of his own dreams are remarkable instances of this, as are Sigmund Freud's little detective stories on why he left his umbrella at home, or how he came to use the wrong word in a conversation. To wake up with a feeling of sadness from a dream; to find that you are depressed for no reason; to realize that you are sexually attracted to one client and always angry with another, or feel powerless and out of control with still another, are the experiences of which psychology and literature and introspection are made.
There is a strong, and I believe, pervasive need, of clients and lawyers to tell their stories as well as to live them. We tell a story in our work, in the briefs we write, the cases we try in the courtroom, and in conversations with clients, in the counseling we do when we practice the art of good talking and listening.
This is how one student expressed that need: "In legal writing it is possible to steer wide of anything that matters to you as a person, but the attraction for such analytical writing passes quickly. I need to face my feelings; that need becomes a craving. Until the craving is satisfied by writing--really writing--my dreams become wild, my attention to detail lags, and my restlessness insures my unhappiness." And so we have, over the years, turned to writing, and asked our students to write journals, long letters to friends, and even fictional accounts that will capture the meaning of the world as we have experienced it. We need this kind of writing, the kind of writing we find in journals, letters, and novels, to give expression to our lives. And when our lives are too full, crowded and busy to do this kind writing for ourselves we turn to the writing of others, to those who have found the time, who have responded to the need to say something imaginative about life, about the world in which they live.
There are many reasons to keep a journal, and many ways in which to do it. I have worked with journals over the years, writing my own, and asking students to keep journals as a way to learn about themselves, about how becoming a professional matters in their lives.
Doing a journal is difficult. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Knowing that introspective and personal writing is good for you, that we can learn about ourselves, and begin to better understand the conflicts and joys experienced as a law student and lawyer, is apparently not enough to prompt most people to keep a journal. The fact that so few lawyers and others in public life and leadership positions keep journals and do the kind of introspection that we suggest here is an indication not only of the difficulty of keeping a journal but of an attitude toward introspection. Abraham Zalezkik and Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries, in their book on corporate leaders, Power and the Corporate Mind, argue that, "Leaders, who orient themselves to power and action, are usually indifferent to the notions of psychic truth; instead, they care about practicality and feasibility." They suggest that truth, what we might call psychological truth, "can be sought only on the edges of depression, the potential for helplessness that must be acknowledged in the process of arriving at the understanding of goals and the manner of their pursuit. Depression is too painful for most people to endure, so they involve themselves in activity and, occasionally, in a preparanoid search for antagonists, danger, and obstacles that reality seems to be erecting for them to overcome. The consequence is insensitivity and lack of awareness, which diminish the capacity to perceive and communicate."
Journal writing and introspection are discouraged in the reality of a world dominated by the routines of everyday life. And it is the routines of everyday life, the meetings with clients and other lawyers, the court appearances, the papers to be drawn up and filed, the brief to be written, that keep us busy. Who has time to think, or keep a journal that seems to serve no necessary purpose? Busy people who long ago quit reading textbooks have no time for making a textbook about themselves. The busy lawyer justifies his life by telling himself, "I don't have time to do anything else." And it is exactly this kind of experience, of being rushed, of not having time, that becomes an integral part of our relationship with clients, that impoverishes our counseling, that gives our lives the feel and texture that they have. This experience of lawyering and everyday life and the conflict it creates and the frustration and burn-out it ultimately produces, can itself be made the subject of our journals, an entryway or opening into a deeper understanding of who we are and what we have become as lawyers, how we have found a place for ourselves in the world, or continue to search for that place.
Journals work in many ways, reflecting for the most part less of a philosophical statement than the one we have presented here. Journals are paradoxical, on the one hand unique to the writer, and, on the other, an expression of hopes and dreams, failures and fears that each of us experience in our daily life.
When I asked my students to write journals, to learn about themselves, I did so because the felt experience in one's life as a student is a significant feature, and not merely an adjunct to the substantive knowledge that is being taught and learned in law school.
When students write about doing journals, they often speak of journals as a kind of therapy. This is the way one student explained it:
Doing a journal is thus a way to deal with pain, disappointment, confusion, conflict, and failure. These experiences, the ones we hate so much to admit, the ones we dread having, the ones we hope will just go away, are the kinds of experiences that journal writing helps us experience more fully. The journal claims the experience as one that can be admitted, owned up to, explored, even appreciated.
For some students, writing is a way to stay on an even keel; it keeps them on track, moving in the right direction, helps them be more effective and realistic. One student says: "I am depending on the journal to keep my thought processes keen, even in the tide of overwhelming amounts of case material and demand for one lane thought." But the ego that gets into journal writing also has a penchant for ignoring aspects of our lives that don't get expressed by being on track, by the linear movement from goal A to goal B to goal C. There are needs and purposes in professional life that are sacrificed in the making of goals and in achieving them, in doing what our teachers and our clients ask us to do. Goal-oriented achievement poses no small danger, even as it gets us to where we have chosen to go. One student writing on this point recognizes that law school is a great adventure and one that calls for sacrifice: "This journey is probably the greatest adventure I have ever embarked upon. This [journal] is a record of my development, a living account of the adjustments and sacrifices that I have made to accomplish a goal that was set so long ago." One student writes:
Another student writes:
A journal works as therapy because it gives whatever is troubling us, a chance to speak for itself. The ego crowds out the many voices of our lives that don't fit easily behind the persona, into the demands that our clients make upon us. The therapeutic value of journal writing that students experience comes from getting back into awareness these voices trampled on in the rush of everyday life. One student writes:
Journals and introspective writing help us see what is truly important in our lives and how the apprehension, anxiety, anger, and fear as much as our happiness, contentment, and achievement are inevitable and valuable in our lives.
Journal writing is an outlet, or as one student dramatically puts it: "This journal has give me an outlet to plug all my frustrations and problems and ideas into. It has been my psychiatrist." Another student speaks of the journal as a way of seeing and understanding her own life.
To counsel another person, to attend to her problems, the concerns and fears that are related to her problems, it is necessary for the counselor to see and reflect on what is happening in her own life. The work that a lawyer does, the listening and talking we do with clients; the way our encounters and interactions with clients are imagined, conceived, and executed cannot be divorced from the feelings, fears, failures, hopes, and dreams of the person who is the lawyer. Only if the lawyer were able to view herself purely as a technician, only if her professional work were purely routine, would it be possible to study and understand, to learn and perform the lawyer role without it having an effect on who she is as a person. A student writes: "This journal has made me confront myself as a person. If this writing serves no other purpose, that is enough." One effect of learning law, knowing law, and practicing it out in the world is that it makes us one kind of person rather than another, bringing satisfactions, pleasures, and also fatigue, alienation and disenchantment. This subjective dimension of professional life, unexamined in legal education, makes lawyering worthwhile and fulfilling or simply makes work tolerable.
Journal writing is a way to explore, to discover, to see how the goals we make for ourselves in turn bring with them restrictions and limitations.
Legal writing can, however, be seductive at times. When I am tired or would rather not face up to the world or my feelings, I find it easier to analyze than create.
Another student comments:
[This commentary is drawn from Thomas L. Shaffer & James R. Elkins, Legal Interviewing and Counseling (St. Paul: West Group, 4rd ed., 2005) and James R. Elkins, Writing Our Lives: Making Introspective Writing a Part of Legal Education, 29 Willamette L. Rev. 45 (1993)]
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